When Netflix tried to ruin our lives
Hiatus over. And to commemorate all those months I wasn’t around, I’d like to share with you an open letter I wrote to Netflix during the time they were being total buttmunches by hiking up their prices. Remember that? Me neither, but I know it happened because I wrote about it and now you can see what I wrote when it happened.
To every single employee of Netflix,
There are many emotions I’m feeling right now, and they’re all because of you. I guess my biggest question is simply, How could you?
“How could we what?” you ask.
I don’t even know anymore, Netflix! I don’t know how could you what. I’m really confused right now, but I thought maybe we could just talk for a while because, to be honest, I miss spending time with you. You’ve been like a girlfriend to me. A girlfriend who actually exists and I didn’t make up.
To the most loyal readers any writer has ever had,
I regret to inform you that I am taking a hiatus from posting on Thoughts in Word Form. This is not to say I’ll stop having thoughts, or even that I’ll refrain from putting those thoughts into words. I will simply not be sharing them with the entire world.
During my break, however, I will be updating a new blog called The Secret of Time Travel. If there’s nothing else to do on the internet, maybe you’d enjoy checking it out. I’ll try to keep a similar schedule as I’ve had here.
Your very best friend in the whole wide world,
Let’s get real: A special post
Ever since I started writing this hïlderblōgen, people have been asking me how much of what I write is true. That scares me for a number of reasons, and that number is one. I’m scared for only one reason.
The reason I’m scared is that, frankly, this hïlderblōgen is dumb. It’s imbecile. The experience of reading it is a mix between watching an Ernest movie, and trying not to watch an Ernest movie that’s playing on a TV where you are. But you can’t turn it off, and there’s no other place to go because you’re stuck at the after-school program with a bunch of other kids whose parents work late, and the program is understaffed so this is the only room with a supervisor, and you’re trying to work on your penguin drawings but you keep getting thrown off by Ernest’s dumb, stupid voice.
What I’m thinking if I’m Brendan Fraser hearing about a new movie role.
I’ll do it. I’ll take the role.
Let’s be honest. It’s me, Brendan Fraser. What have I always said about picking scripts? Treat every offer like it’s your last. Because it probably is.
Wait a minute. What if the movie is about, like, a hippo? Like, what if it’s about a hippopotamus that gets selected to be launched into space to be part of Moon Zoo, and they want me to dress up in a hippo costume to play the role? Will I take the role if I’m going to be a hippo astronaut?
Yep. Yes, I will take that role. Oh wait, they’re telling me what it’s actually about right now.
My idea to rob three casinos with the help of actor George Clooney
I think I would make a good thief. That’s mostly because, as an orphan, I was taken in by a household of thieves who taught me the ropes growing up. I was stealing wristwatches before I was pooping in toilets. I robbed my first convenience store before I finished my first chapter book.
Yep, it’s all true*. Candy bars, hotel towels, helicopters, national monuments. If it can be taken, I’ve done it. And if it can’t be taken, I’ve done it anyways. I’ve done it all. I have stolen everything.